Desires of the Heart.

Delight yourself in The Lord, and He will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37.4)

Cry out for the Father to touch your heart, to extract the deepest achings within your hearts. Cry out, for He hears you and He will heal you.

The warmth of His love draws out the darkness within your heart and soul. This is the power of the love of our Father.

When you become so enraptured by God, the desires of your heart changes. No longer are you focused on your desires, your needs. Self-ish becomes self-less.

What is your desire?

The Bobblehead

Gold Dust.

Gold Dust.

How appropriate that my last post referred to the value of Gold.

Last winter I attended this Taiwanese church conference that focused on the miraculous power that God gives. We had people like Sarah Yang giving testimonies, teaching the attendees how to tap into our spiritual gifts like word of knowledge. One of speakers who gave a testimony mentioned a bizarre way that God touched him. He found gold dust all over his hands that would not come off.

This was probably about the second or third time I’ve heard of such a phenomenon and I was yet skeptical from hearing the testimony. Things like that don’t happen.

Or do they…

Last sunday (9/9/2012), I attended the night service like I always do.

The previous week had stripped me of all my energy and had dampened my spirit. I fought exhaustion and despair that clawed at my heart. The numbing pain of rejection throbbed within me.

I found myself pouring out my heart to God during worship and prayer. As I kept praying, I felt the heaviness and the darkness around me lift. Suffocation suddenly disappeared and the annointing of the Holy Spirit rushed upon me.

Joy exploded in my heart and I bursted out in uncontrollable laughter, while rolling about on the floor.

After the service, when my laughter subsided, I sat around with some of the youth, waiting for my turn to receive prayer from our church’s healing ministry. One of the youth suddenly looked at me and said, “You have sparkly stuff all over your neck…”

I looked at her, puzzled. What could she possibly be talking about? I didn’t even wear makeup that day, so how could I be sparkly?

She insisted that I go check in the mirror. As she said correctly, I had what looked like fine glitter all over mydecollotage…I tried to see if it would come off by swiping my hand over it, but it didn’t. I even went back to check the floor for glitter. It wasn’t glitter.

That night…God sprinkled gold dust upon me.

Deeper.

Gold: the more times gold goes through the fire, the more valuable it is.

The other day someone talked about how the value of gold depends on how many times the gold has gone through the fire. To test the value, a strong magnet is placed near the metal to see how strong is the attraction.

  1. No value: If the metal strongly attracts to the magnet, then the metal has no value.

  2. Some value: If the metal has some resistance to the metal. This is usually 14K gold.

  3. Valuable: If the metal does not budge. 24K gold does not budge.

If we applied this to Christians, the magnet representing the world, and the metal representing us, we can question our value. What value to God are we?

Are we useless metal, 14K gold, or 24K gold?

No Value: When the world invites you to shop, eat, visit theme parks, watch movies, facebook, game…do you jump at the chance?

Some value: When the world invites you to participate, and you have somewhat of a desire to participate, but you sometimes choose not to participate.

Valuable: When the world invites you to participate, and you refuse with no desire whatsoever to participate.

What are you?

The Bobblehead

Letting Go.

To let go: to feel neither indifferent nor pain.

I know at one point, we have or will encounter a deep pain from rejection or a loss. This pain seeps through your entire being and penetrates the soul.

You know and I know that we must not give up.

It’s tempting and many times we do give up…but we always seem to find ourselves stuck in the same rut over and over and over again.

So how do we get out of it?

I’ve tried so many things…korean dramas, movie theaters, clubbing, shopping, alcohol… they numb the pain for a while, then it starts throbbing again…and I am still empty.

We’re searching for something, searching but we can’t find it.

We’re searching for God, but yet we don’t want God.

And so we keep searching.

Searching.

Trying to let go…

God is the answer.


The Bobblehead

Perseverance.

The hardest part of life is when trials come..

They can come in small increments, or in one giant wave.
But whether they come in small portions or all at once, trials are tricky business.

You hit a plateau…and at that point you feel like giving up.
It’s that moment where you feel like you’ve done everything and nothing works.
There’s no more strength or energy that you can give.

And honestly…there isn’t.

That’s the point when you’re on your knees with open arms…
…welcoming the strength of the Lord, the power of the Holy Spirit to rest upon you..

..And say “Not my will, but yours be done.”

The Bobblehead

Watching.

The days get harder, I must admit.

When I see you, everything slows down. This lump inside my throat and the tangled mess in my stomach forms. Fight…or flight…

Could I forget you…I couldn’t.
Would I forget you…I wouldn’t.

I  can only pray that God gives me strength to go through the day, that He heals a bit more of my heart with every day that passes and that Holy Spirit would fill me.

As I watch you, you seem so free, maybe free from me. I want you to know that I’ll suffer this pain to not bring you any more stress…any more hurt. I die a bit more every day, but at least I know you do not suffer with me. Sometimes I am angry…that you can enjoy life. But I’m not your problem anymore…as I’m not your friend anymore.

I try not to cry…it’s hard to hold back the tears. No one understands the depth of my pain, the depth of my loss…the loss of you…the loss of hope.

I can only watch in numbness.

The Bobblehead

Friendships Redefined.

So I was actually never fully satisfied with the way i defined friendships a few semesters ago…and the other day I had an epiphany as I was talking with one of my closest friends. Here it goes…

The following levels are based off of the RAM (Relationship Attachment Model) from the book, How to Avoid Falling in Love with a Jerk. You must know a person before you trust them and then rely on them, followed by commitment.

Levels:

  1. Acquaintance: both of you have met for the first time; basic conversations (name, age, hometown, major).
  2. Friends: both of you have met several times; conversations stay on the surface (hobbies, current movies, favorite books or food; nothing about morals, beliefs, ponderings in life).
  3. Close Friends: both of you have met more than several times; conversations have begun to revolve around personal morales, beliefs, and ponderings in life.

So how do you know a person more?

You learn what drives them, what makes them who and how they are.

Surface information like favorite food, favorite color, favorite books- those can change. But things like belief about life after death, why someone repeatedly gets angry- knowing these things about a person draws the relationship intimately closer.

Of course, we, in this world, often get confused by what it means to know a person. The world likes to feed us the belief that 2 persons know each other when they’ve reached level 2. What they don’t realize that knowing the surface level of a person can leave you in shock when you realize the deeper level of a person is not what you expected.

That’s how marriages end in shambles.

So…

Do you really know your friends?

The Bobblehead

Graduation Blues.

I had always pictured graduation as an exciting moment, full of anticipation and relief.
Here I am, a few weeks from my college graduation ceremony.

Everything just feels all wrong.

I dread walking the stage, and it’s not even a fear of tripping.
It’s a fear of all the events that will occur nearer the event.
All the gatherings, the goodbyes.

I anticipated graduating with one of my closest friends, celebrating the end…

Now?

We don’t talk to each other.
I rarely see him.
And he’s leaving in a month.

It hurts to remember him. I don’t know what to do anymore.

I just want to leave quietly, unnoticed.
Trying to keep my head above water.
Need to stay afloat.

God, hear my cry of desperation.

The Bobblehead